Friday, July 20, 2012

I was adopted.

I was adopted. This past week I resigned from a my job that I held for the past 4 years. 2 years ago ended a 10 year stretch of single motherhood. During those single motherhood years the Lord tested and tried me in many ways. He was relentless in His pursuit of me and faithful in answering the prayers of 'I will do anything Lord, I surrender to You Lord, make me more like You Lord, shape me Lord, etc.' He became my everything during those hard and trying years. At moments of trial for provision or for company He would ask if I would surrender to Him being my all. Sometimes I failed the tests and all the time He loved me. During those 10 years I held a job that just didn't seem to make ends meet. Finances were always a struggle for me, some bad choices led to financial hardship, plus add a single income for raising 3 was tough. At one point, I joined with Crown Financial Ministries and utilized their Volunteer 'Money Coaches' that was extremely helpful, but the income just was so low compared to the expenses that it felt like barely a 'baby army crawl' to get anywhere. It felt like there was no end in sight and now freedom on the horizon. I remember at my coach getting down to the nitty gritty with me several times and saying, 'it would be better to go to Sam's Club and get the bulk box of chicken tenders than try to buy in small quantities each week' or 'find out which monthly bill you can cut back, such as your phone them and see'. It was tedious and felt like finding $2 more dollars wasn't really worth it. There often was much fretting or anxiousness surrounding paying bills and purchasing anything! A couple times during those years I was working 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet, but then very worn out with no energy left to parent.

In all this God was still relentless. I had asked God several times over the past 6 years stating 'why am I doing this'(working in other positions for employment). There were many times of trials and ups and downs with my job. One negative was not having my summer's off(as I had as a teacher)!! Boo. Also, not feeling like I saw my kids enough or feeling super stressed making it difficult to relax and have fun with them, etc. He never seemed to quite answer me, other than several times I heard, 'I have released you from this'. Ah, what I now realize! It was not the job He was releasing me from at that time, it was the stress. I did not NEED to stress. I did not NEED to fret. See, I did not really believe He had rescued me. I did not believe in my spirit that He had adopted me as His own. It was not till this past Friday, as I resigned from a 4 year position and began dialoging with my Savior about 'where He has brought me and to where I am going' that He began to unfold something to me. You see, I have signed a teaching contract to work with my past employer again or some would say, 'I am going back home.' I will be teaching at Victory Christian Academy again I asked 'why Lord'. 'Why the 6 year journey of working for other employers and now to go back?!! I was just confused. I was/am really looking forward to going back as I have always loved teaching, but I was just plain confused and trying to make sense of it. The Lord spoke very clearly to me...because you now believe you are mine. You now trust me as Father and Provider. Its as if He audibly said, 'See, Alyssa, you are mine and you are adopted. If you would care for your own children, how much more will I care for you, oh daughter of mine.' He very clearly reminded me that adopted children are cared for and loved.

As I have been reading in preparation for our daughter to come from EE, I read that our child may fret and worry at times about food or abandonment or clothing, etc., but that doesn't change the fact that she is cared for and the provision is right there waiting for her, not going anywhere and sometimes healing needs to take place in order for the child to trust the parent and relax. I guess I needed some healing time. It has been a journey of healing. I am reminded that I am adopted. I am a child of God. Truly. God's children don't fret. God's children don't worry. He is the King of Kings and the Lord of lords. He is Father.