Sunday, June 19, 2011

They are God's.

God sets the lonely in families.
God puts us in families.
He knows the dynamics of our families, neat or messy.
He is so good and He holds us all in His hands.
I was reminded of that today in church, He holds the ocean in the palm of His hand.
He knows who will be born to whom.  He creates life.
There came a time recently, well, I can't even say recently. But I will say ...again....recently, that God reminded me that my children are not mine. They are His.

Years ago, I was about oh, maybe 10 months into being a single mom standing by the sink of our old house, just got done washing the dishes again... heavy hearted.  Listening to my 4 year old, 2 year old and infant playing....I turned around with this weary and burdened heart for my children to have a 'whole' family, when God spoke.  Clear as day, I heard, do you put those kids in front of Me?! My heart stopped. Suddenly the room became brighter with my realization that I had been holding my kids above the Lord. I had cherished them so much and held them so close that it was too close.  He asked me again, Am I not big enough to take care of them in this?!  Do you not Trust Me?? Let Go, I heard. Let Go.  Give them to Me.  I am Big Enough for Them.  I released them. I realized I had held onto them when they were not mine.  I was free and so were my kids.

Recently, I was burdened again. I was burdened by holding onto my kids too tightly again.  See, now my kids are 16, 14 and 10.  Plus a 5 year old on her way....I have been burdened by thinking about what I want for my kids and what the reality is that they live in.  I desire God's character in them and God's desires to be on their minds and hearts.  I desire for them to grow up desiring His ways.  However, I am not in control of their future. I am not in control of all their parenting.  For any of them.  God reminded me again to let go.  Let go and let Him be their Savior. Their all in all.  He reminded me of what I am in control of ....and that is to pray for them, love them, train them and guide them.  He reminded me to listen to them.  He reminded me through my husband.  After a much stressful week and many conversations behind closed doors about this or that....Derek said, you know, I think we are reminded that we do not have control and we need to let go and trust God with them. I prayed.  I am free again.

I look forward to Kaylee coming home.  I know it will happen when its God's timing for it to happen.  I get anxious sometimes. I desire for her to be a part of our family. I want to read to her and kiss her goodnight, tucking her in to her own bed.  I want her to feel safe.... to...feel... family....but I know God is in control. Ultimately He loves her infinitely more than I or Derek ever could.  I give her to the Lord.  I trust Him, knowing that He is in control.  Even now, He holds her in the palm of His hand.  Nothing is a surprise to Him and He knows all the details.  I pray for her and I love her.  I trust Him knowing that I am just a mother that He is going to use to love her.  And I say 'just' not demeaning or belittling my role, but remembering God's role in her life is so much bigger than mine and it is and will be an honor to be used of Him as a mother to her.

Even just recently I have learned what family is....I have been in a family my whole life...mother and father, sister too.  But honestly just recently God has shown me what true family is through my husband.  Love.  I have experienced God's unconditional love now more than ever in my life. When I surrendered to His ways, allowed myself to be vulnerable and open to love...I actually knew His love for the first time.

I am not to say I have it all figured out, but as I was explaining to Sam (my sixteen year old daughter) last night in lieu of my birthday today...she asked if I like getting older and actually. I said yes.  I like getting older, because I have a peace I did not have before.  It is by no way perfected...but I am learning how to trust God more because I have seen His faithfulness.  I have experienced His faithfulness.  I praise Him.

4 comments:

  1. Great job honey! I would highly recommend to all of you the book "Counterfeit Gods" by Tim Keller...he talks in depth about how we can make idols of our children. Awesome, convicting book.

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  2. Such a good entry...thanks for sharing your heart. I needed to read this tonight! : )

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  3. Aww Miss Alyssa! That was really good! Praying for all your family! I definitely miss all your family already! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TOO! :)

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  4. This is a really great post and what I have been trying to keep in mind lately when I think of little Porter. When my heart gets overly burdened and overwhelmed by his situation vs. my small efforts at fundraising.

    He is not 'mine'. He his God's child. God loves him. God has a complete and wonderful plan for him. And look how it worked out for Kaylee- an awesome family loves her and is working to bring her home!!! :) :)

    Thanks for the great post, which was a great reminder to me and just what I needed.

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